Spandex
by ohdearyme
Summary: Beast Boy's attire of darkness. The pitfall that is his despair. That is, spandex.
1. In the beginning, with aliens

Spandex

Chapter One: In the beginning. With Aliens.  
A/N: Have you ever wondered...No? Well, jeez. I sure have.  
Note: It's a sad story about a boy, and his lack of proper clothing. Okay, no, it's mostly just a story about how strange Teen Titans can be. Oh, and there's lots of Starfire and Robin bashing. It's not that I have anything against them. It's just that they're so very easy to make fun of. And I can't resist things like that.  
Disclaimer: Honestly, if I owned a strangely sucessful show like TT, would I be here writing humorous fanfiction about it? No. I would be bathing in my vats of money.

* * *

Beast Boy was saddened when he realized something.

He only wore spandex.

SPANDEX!

When had this started? When had all of the group's outfit gone from relatively normal to SPANDEX? Sure, Raven had always been like that, but Raven was scary as all crap. (A/N: For my purposes, the big BB likes to curse inside his head) She sent him an evil look as if she guessed his thoughts over the tofu that he was serving the group. Or maybe it was the tofu that made her angry.

How could anybody not like tofu? Clearly, she was a mind-reader.

He examined the other members of the group as they ate. Starfire sported her usual sleek outfit of a purple spandex shirt and short skirt. With those boots. So basically she was Britney Spears, except an alien. But is Britney Spears truly human? Beast Boy played the twilight zone music in his head for the best effect and decided it was entirely possible.

He skipped over Raven. She seemed to be noticing he was staring at Star. Did that annoy her or something? As soon as he met her eyes she looked down and ate tofu. He knew she liked it.

More importantly, he noticed she was wearing a swimsuit. What the hell was a superhero doing wearing a swimsuit? Before now he had never thought of that. The cloak (spandex also) was typical Raven, but the swimsuit was most defintely not.

Damn aliens, taking over everywhere.

He examined Robin next. Heh heh. Robin. Green and red should never by put together unless it's Christmas, and even then you have to be careful.

Another thing considered about Robin's clothing: did he always keep that mask on? Was there a time that Beast Boy had seen him without it? Seen his actual eyes? He bet Star had. Muwaha.

Then he went on to Cyborg. Hm. Mostly metal. He probably had spandex somewhere. Beast Boy would search diligently.

And last came himself. He was green. He was wearing purple spandex. Whatever. He would wear jeans and a t-shirt tomorrow, and only hell freezing over would stop him.

* * *

A/N: Well I wonder where he keeps those jeans? There might be another chapter to point out the fact that they have no money. How do they have Titan tower? That too annoys me. 

Anyways, REVIEW! Review equals update.


	2. Spandex Strike

Spandex  
  
Chapter Two: On Spandex Strike

By lilacpurple  
A/N: Oooh this is so exciting!  
Note: This chapter, like all others, is Beast Boy's POV.

* * *

Ah, the luxury of jeans that he had just discovered. For it was an amazing fabric - non-ripping. And it didn't create the rash (ew, rash) that he got from spandex. Of course, the rest of the group had noticed. 

Raven said it first, as she was the most brutally honest. "Beast Boy, why are you wearing **jeans**?" She wrinkled her nose in distaste over her breakfast of tofu. She loved it so much she was clearly trying to savor the taste by eating more slowly and messing with it on her plate.

"Well, I thought it was time for a change. You know, how we always wear spandex?" Beast Boy suggested tentatively.

"No. Not ALL the time. . ." The group said together.

"Well. . .I'm allowed to dress how I want and I want NO SPANDEX!"

There was a brief moment of awkward silence where they stared at him in awe. Even Cyborg stopped eating his tofu.

Finally Robin spoke, chosing his words carefully. "Beast Boy. . .you can't kick bad guy ass wearing jeans. It's just not cool."

"Yeah, but spandex gives you rashes." Beast Boy replied sagely.

"It does not give me rashes." Starfire said.

"Yes, well, you don't wear that much do you?" He said in a disgruntled fashion.The rest of the group snorted their tofu in laughter then composed themselves.

"That was a. . .a rotten thing to say Beast Boy!" Cyborg said after recovering.

"What does he mean, Robin?" Starfire asked, tilting her head quizically.

Robin coughed and stirred his tofu around. "Well. . .nothing, Starfire. Don't worry about it." He sent Beast Boy an evil glare. Actually, Beast Boy wasn't entirely sure whether it was evil or not, due to the mask, but the dramatic slant of Robin's eyebrows was surely intended to send **some** form of message.

Beast Boy sighed and took the plates in after comtemplating the fact that it would not be as easy as he thought wearing jeans.

* * *

A/N: Chapter DOOOOWN! Dooown! Wooooo! 

duckzrkewl: ducks are so cool.

silverfingers: maggie, yo. in the hizee. But yes, Starfire annoys the crap outta me. And this is anime.


	3. Mafias and Murdered Theories

Spandex

Chapter Three: Mafias and MURDERED Theories  
By lilacpurple  
Disclaimer: What? I'm sorry I can't read without my hearing aid.  
A/N: You know years ago when I said, at some point, that this would only be about three chapters? Um, well, it's rather hard to explain this to you** BUT I CAN'T END IT HERE IT'S TOO MUCH FUN...**

* * *

Beast Boy was now reveling in the beauty of a pair of jeans. They were so...simple. And yet so delicately made to be awesome. They folded for easy access. They could be pulled on and off with ease, and without scissors. His other outfit had taken several snips from the kitchen scissors to get off. 

But now he was pondering more difficult matters that didn't make sense to him. Like the Titan's Tower. Now that he thought about it, where had the tower come from? As far as he could remember, they had just bought it.

Which was odd. Not many people had T-shaped towers that were situated in such a scenic area. It sure was lucky it had been for sale.

And so he came to another area of confusion. Where was the money coming from? It wasn't like being a hero was a paying job. Nobody ever appreciated him or the others. I mean, he was green, Raven was scary...(in a SWIMSUIT), Cyborg was a robot-ish type thing, Robin was...Robin, and Starfire...okay, Starfire was definitally appreciated by the male populace. But that was only one out of five. Not good odds.

Were they all part of the mafia? He would have to ponder this carefully also. Because that wasn't fair. Being in the mafia would be SO cool...and he would be angry if they were and he wasn't...

But he was with them all the time. Hmmm. He bound his old theory in proverbial ropes, threw it into the closet and shot it with an AK47. It was of no further use to him.

Hmmm. Mafia?

Quite possibly.

He picked up his theory, dusted it off, and took it to the kitchen with him. To feed his brain, and thus his theory, he made tofu; the food of the gods.

* * *

A/N: That'sanother ending, my lovely dumplings. And none too soon. For it is 11:04. Blah. I always give personal responses to my reviews...so there. 

**Prince Izzy X:** Oh yes I am very interesting. (saluts!)  
**Nota Lone:** I read your fic, or one of 'em. Rocked my socks, more importantly, my special chicken socks. They have a chicken and they say "party". Just thought I'd tell you. You should update your fic. And you don't...ramble...not...as...much...as...I...do..(rambles) (dies)  
**Kyuubi no Tai:** (blushes)  
**I'm not telling:** Eeeeww! NEVER AGAIN! mine eyes! (screams. Dies.)  
**ninjamonkey**: uh...(blushes more...)  
**TigerHelix:** You know everything annoys me right? Eh heh just kidding. But yeah, thankyee! I will most likely use that on a later chapter.  
**silverfingers**: NNNOooo PHIL! We love you man! And cut back on your damn sugar intake. Damnit. HAHAHAH! How are you not on IM at (glance at clock) 11:10!

So that's it, my little...(search for random adjective)...trees. I will see you at a later time.


	4. The Monumental Fourth Chapter

Spandex

Chapter Four: The Monumental Fourth Chapter

A/N: So I re-read this and...I just may be the most random person ever. Also my chapters are so short. I'm so sorry, it will ...probably never happen again.  
Disclaimer: For the point of this conversation, I own ...nothing...? (lawyers in background clap approval)  
This chapter is dedicated to Dark knightress, mainly because I used her idea! But not her typing. I could barely read it...

* * *

It was just another one of those days for our favorite band of superheros. Nothing, literally, nothing was happening. It was very boring. Cyborg and Beast Boy had even gotten tired of playing video games. A rare occurance. 

"I'm bored." Beast Boy pronounced after several more seconds of silence passed.

"I know!" Starfire shouted, allowing the boys a lovely view of her brilliantly purple underpants as she jumped up from the couch. She ignored that, and to the farthest extent possible the boys did as well. "We shall, as you say, order what you call a pizza?"

"Great idea, Star." said Robin, still looking somewhat dazed. Beast Boy, who was immune to all flashing, nodded happily.

And with that it was done. They pulled out some coupons which had been meticulously saved by Robin, cut one out, and called up Pizza Hut for a large cheese pizza. Delivery was in thirty minutes or for free. (A/N: What? It's a Ninja Turtles reference! Come on, people...come on.) Beast Boy had always hoped one of them would be late, just so he could laugh rather insanely at the delivery boy, but they never were.

As Starfire pulled some money out of a jar, Beast Boy blinked. The money came from a jar?

"Star? Where do we get the money?" Beast Boy asked curiously.

Starfire considered, her finger on her chin."Well, I do odd jobs and Cyborg fixes stuff from time to time. I know that. And the rest goes in the human currency jar." She said, happily giving it a good shake. There was a lot of money in there.

Wow. That was really suspicious. Definitally in the Mafia. Where did Starfire hide the guns on her? I mean, with an outfit that form fitting...

Not thinking about it, he commanded himself silently.He started as the doorbell rang and glanced at his watch. It had only been around five minutes if he was right about when he had called. Starfire instantly bounded to the door, once again flahsing all of them. Raven looked up from the book she had been reading with a look of disgust and announced quitely that her eyes had been violated.

"Mister Delivery man, here is your delivery money!"Starfire said happily as she accepted the pizza.

"This isn't the right amount... " he began, pocketing it nonetheless.

"It isn't?" She asked with innocence.

"No, no, it's fine. Thank you very much young lady." he said with a somewhat evil grin.

Beast Boy had just landed by the door on his butt when Starfire was about to shut it. "Hey! Dude! How did you get here?" he asked.

"I walked." The Deliveryman said steadily, and slunk off into the night. Beast Boy blinked in confusion, rubbing his eyes.

But the deliveryman was gone...how curious...

* * *

A/N: Well it was longer than it could have been, considering. Oh yes oh yes. 

**I'm not telling:** I am very fine...just on a constant sugar high. You have been forewarned. Hey, thanks for the info. How do you know these things? Do you read the comic or something? I admit to being a Starfire basher...in all her forms. They must not get many attackers on Tamaran if they spend most of their time naked and without armour...  
**Dark knightress:** Thanks for the idea! Muwahahah! You don't mind do you?  
**silverfingers:** I was on AIM and YOU weren't on, liarface!  
**Naztar:** Oh, thank you! Nah, I really haven't seen that much Teen Titans...I'm more into Rurouni Kenshin. AWESOME show.  
**HVK:** Hahah (squeal) and Beast Boy isn't stupid! He's smart...in a very slow, slow, way. I tried to make this chapter a little longer for you.  
**gum:** Robin is a nerd...I can't help it...but I have to admit taking off spandex with scissors would be hard...  
**Nota Lone:** My chicken socks are developing holes because I keep playing Dance Dance Revolution in them (sigh)...but nobody in my school who's challenged me has been able to beat me yet, so I suppose you have to make some sacrifices. Did I say you had lost your mind? I know I have but that's beyond the point...

OH no...that's the end of my reviews...well THAT'S okay because I'm just getting more...yes? Yes. Please.


	5. Old Spice, Stains, and Spewing Chunks

Spandex

Chapter Five: Old Spice, Stains, and Spewing Chunks  
A/N: Yes, I have been busy. And things. We'll tie this up soon, then you won't all be so worried about how I'll end it. I edited a few of the first chapters so they look prettier, and added titles. Fear me for I am an organized authoress!  
I took a few liberties with the TT's eating habits. Hope nobody has aproblem, because then I will definitely respond semi-scathingly. Need I say fear me again?  
Disclaimer: I got your nose! (tweaks). No seriously. I don't own it.

* * *

Beast Boy was eating pizza in his jeans. It was a relaxing thing to do, lounging on the chairs with his team as they hurriedly ate. Nobody said anything. Strangely, there weren't the usual petty fights that resulted in there only being one large pizza.

However, Raven was trying to read and eat hers at the same time. It was pretty interesting to watch. She would take a bite then get so engrossed in her book that she forgot to chew it. She usually choked at this point, and Beast Boy would clap her on the back and watch the spitty pizza as it flew across the table. Occasionally it would land on the unlucky person across from Raven(it was Robin. Yeeees.)and he would splutter. This happened twice during the meal. Beast Boy found it more hilarious each and every time.

Until, as he was laughing, he dropped afragment of cheeseonto his lap. It instantly bled through the jeans, leaving a greasy stain as he shrieked, "EEEEEEWWWW!" Raven watched him attempt to get his jeans clean for a few moments, then rolled her eyes and turned back to her book. The entire process began all over again as Robin wiped his face with a napkin, emitting a melancholy sigh.

Beast Boy was not happy with the stain upon his jeans. He was not happy and he would not stand for it. Spandex never did this. Spandex gave him rashes, but not stains.

After the meal he contemplated "washing" the jeans. He set about to find a bar of soap. He was sure Robin would have it.

Robin's room was always fun. As Beast Boy entered, he was glad to see that the mask-clad kid wasn't there. His giant closet of uniforms was, though, and Beast Boy began to laugh at it. Then he realized that it was more important to find some form of soap.

He wandered into the bathroom. It was, like all things in Robin's room, impeccably clean. There weren't any toothpaste stains on the sink, or a dirt ring in the bathtub. It was all gleaming white. Except for the cabinets. Which were in fact made of wood.

He opened the top left drawer.

Three rows of expensive hair gel, all the same brand, peered out at him.

He shut it hurriedly. There were some things he did not need to know. He opened the one next to it, which proved to be shaving supplies. They looked unused. He snickered, them opened the larger drawer below it. Toothbrush. Next one?

Old Spice Colonge.

He grinned.

The next one was full of Ivory soap bars. Ah, sucess was never so sweet, clean, and strangely bland in the scent department.

* * *

A/N: Longer than usual. Isn't everyone proud?  
I learned that I've gotten **57** hits and yet **23** reviews. It makes me sad. Please review.  
**PLLLLLLEEEEEAAAAAASEEEE!  
**Thank you.  
Was this chapter up to snuff? Tell me!  
-----REVIEWER RESPONSES-----  
**Nota Lone:** Yes, DDR! Oh god I've done so much this summer. I got a new PS2 and it's smaller than the old one...odd really...hmm. Umm. We shall see about the return of the pizza man. I was thinking of leaving it a mystery. Think what you will...  
**Silverfingers:** Ah, Maggie. My only fan to review by yelling at me in caps ;) BWAHAH! I have earned the right to brag of DDR prowess. I was in an arcade a while ago and THEY APPLAUDED when I finished. So, poo! I win again.  
**Astera121: **Thanks so much! (grins) I just find Starfire and Robin very easy to bash. I can bash them and there is nothing that they can do back. Unless someone writes a fic involving me and revenge and them. But I dunno if I'd allow that, because it would involve me-bashing, which I do not appreciate. Hmm, what else? Oh yes. This fic isn't exactly one with a lot of plot and deep thinking. So...even if they would, I thought it was funnier if the random delivery boy managed to swim/find his own method of transport to the island.  
**gum:** Eh heh so sorry it wasn't exactly "soon".I'm a lazy bum. Hope you liked, plenty of good hearty Robin bashing. 


	6. Washing Machines

Spandex  
Chapter Six: Washing Machines

A/N: Whoa! Wh- ... Wh-...WHOA! I am insanely flattered by the praise my fic gets. I love my reviewers & I love you. No, seriously, can't you feel the love? E-hugs all round. I'd give you cookies...but I ate them all. Mmm, delicious oatmeal chocolate chip.  
Guess how many hits? **603.** Laugh it up, fuzzball, that's a whole lot.  
In other insanely flattering news, I got onto The Craziest Stories Ever Written! C2. I'd just like to thank everyone there. Why? THEY PWN JOO!11one!  
Kay, that's enough of that. My ego inflated & obnoxious.

* * *

Success? 

...No.

Cyborg had told Beast Boy that there was a washing machine downstairs in a room he had been entirely unaware of up until now. For the longest time, he had simply put his dirty clothing in a hamper which had disappeared every once a week or so. He assumed elves, just like the ones in the TV, did this work. His clothing had just come back neat and folded when he was faced with this problem.

Upon seeing the machine, Beast Boy concluded that one of the Teen Titans was nice enough to do everyone's laundry and even fold it. Another mystery.But the one he was faced with now was more perplexing...

Since when was there a special type of soap for a washing machine? Beast Boy was dubious at best that the strange, crack-like substance was labeled "TIDE". To be on the safe side, he didn't sniff it. After all, he had to set a good example for small children, because they relate to green shape-shifters. Getting high was not on the agenda.

However, he read the instructions on the back carefully and dumped a cup of the stuff into the washing machine, then turned it onto normal setting. He disdainfully threw away the Ivory soap, because:  
1. It was Robin's  
2. That soap SUCKS, he'd rather DOVE IT UP any old day.

Glancing at the machine to see if it was doing its duty, he set off for the upstairs and videogames.

"Ditched the jeans, huh? Cracking from peer pressure already, I see." Cyborg said instantly as Beast Boy sat down on the couch.

"You'll be cracking from failure when I beat you." replied Beast Boy wittily.

An insane racing game ensued. Beast Boy instantly stole the best character and car, not because he especially needed it, but to irritate Cyborg.  
...He didn't need to do it to acheive that either.

After two races, Robin wandered in and asked, "Has anybody seen my soap? I'm missing one..."

Beast Boy was suddenly afraid. Robin counted his soap? However, he simply replied: "Stinky, huh? Well, I can't help you there.", without looking up. Robin scowled and prowled back to his lair of doom. Or room.

After eight more games, Beast Boy was bored of playing and Cyborg was crying. Beast Boy decided to give him some alone time and headed downstairs to put his laundry into the dryer, picking up the comics section of the paper as he passed the kitchen.

He brought out the jeans without looking, and dumped them into the dryer with equal uninterest. Then...he turned it on.

_----------tImE pAsSeS aNd HoW lAmE iS iT tO tYpE lYk DiS yO?----------_

Three hours and another few games with Robin later, Beast Boy came back down again. The dryer was finished. Jeans were back in session.

He opened the dryer, and was about to pull them out when -

He noticed a long red cape attached to one leg of the...

Red. Jeans.

"NoooOOOOOOoooooOOO!" screamed Beast Boy, holding the jeans to his chest.

_----------TiMe PaSsEs BuT tHiS iS sTiLl NoT cOoL----------_

Eight years later, Robin was seen on national television speaking about the break up of theTeen Titans and Beast Boy's newly-discovered addiction to sniffing household materiels.

"The fight started out really simply...if only I hadn't accidentally dropped my cape in with his jeans..."

_Fin_

* * *

A/N: The moral? Simply put: if you can't work a washing machine, you don't deserve to live. Or wear jeans.  
If AnYoNe SeNdS mE a ReViEw AbOuT hOw CoOl ThIs Is I sHoOt ThEm.  
Apart from that, I'm using reverse physcology now. **Don't review. Leave a poor, innocent high schooler in the dark about how amazingly awesome and funny her fic is.**  
-----REVIEWER RESPONSES-----  
**Phantom Moon: **Ah, but they do! Beast Boy didn't know of it. Glad you liked.  
**TheKidFromTheSouth: **Why thank you. Nice C2 community you've got there.  
**Nota Lone: **Ah, I just have DDRMAX2 and DDRMAX. Guess what guess what? I CAN DO HEAVY. Hahahahah!  
**Rose Mage**: Hate? Or jealousy? ...okay, yeah, I hate Starfire, you win. Some call me insane, but I just call myself Susie.  
**candi: **Aw, shucks. Thanks.  
**doc-trigger:** This wasn't exactly soon, but I tried, I swear. Haha, I loved writing that part, it made me so happy. Thanks!  
**Carolyn Carrisa Syndie: **Thank you thank you!  
**WickedWitchoftheSE: **Love your username! Sorry. It's over. Who knows, maybe I'll write a strange and pointless sequeal about the TTs break up and sad drug dealership ring.  
**Astera121: **Thank ya!  
**silverfingers2lazy2login: **I'll tell you when I update this time. Here I go: MAGGIE I UPDATED SPANDEX GO LOOK AT IT NERD. _See_? And I can even make italics.  
**Bunnysquirrel: **But you can never tell with those silent loners like Raven...she could wear spandex everywhere. Don't, don't! I DID! You know they wear spandex in volleyball? 


End file.
